Guru: I just wanted to check whether my androgens and your progestogens are working properly. And yeah they are working.
Nandita: Stop it. We kissed and your not even realizing.
Guru: Apart from jokes really I never felt it would be happening, I thought we will just laugh at it and go for a spin. Things were beyond control
Nandita: Liar, you were so bloody perfect and that’s why you bought the car.
Guru: Common this is the not the first time we are together.
Nandita: No arguments. You sexist . Just drop me as soon as possible. Am not in a mood to talk
Guru:What me ‘Sexist’
He raised his fist against me but he pulled it down the next instant.He drove so damn rashly , we were eventually flying. We reached home and he dropped me at the street corner.We never waved ‘bye’ or exchanged a word with each other. I just could not witness what happened between us that too ‘Guru and Nandita’. It was least expected. How do things just change within a day. It was three long years we were together, we have freaked out so much but we were always on our limits.As Guru said, we had a lot of chances even better than the car ride, but why it did not happen before. Eventually I didn’t regret that we didn’t smooch earlier but what transformation was it ? I knew Guru was never the flirty types but it never seemed desperate. It just happened.
Slowly my mind drifted from Guru to Ram. What did this poor guy do? He just trusts me and leaves his girlfriend to hang around ( And yeah girl friend after all he have told he is liking me too much these days ).I just thought before thinking about ‘Guru and me’. I should probably tell him, I don’t deserve such a perfect guy like him.Let me erase both of them from my life.’Be single,stay happy’ and most important is’Be faithful or quit’.I never was loyal to him, so I deserve this loneliness in my life.
I definitely should not blame Guru also , I influenced him and bought him to this level.When I analysed slowly , I was solely responsible for the whole disaster of my life. I just made it still. I was the one who was hitting both of them at the same time. Which I should have never done in the first phase. I made it fucking complicated.I felt so ashamed of seducing Guru.I just wept the whole afternoon. Thankfully both mama and papa were out of town for a wedding and were expected late hours. My pillow went through my pain. It was soaked like anything.
As hours flew by my loud weeps became silent grins. I felt so weak. I just want to forget everything.The inner voice in me hit me so hard, I could never come back to the real world.My every part of the body pained like anything.At one point I was not able to co-ordinate my hands to wipe my tears.I was mentally dead, physically living.What kind of girl I am ?.Such a bitch. Have I not spoiled my reputation and even my family’s the way they have bought me up and how I am living it now? Cheating my friend and my boy friend.I am one of the dirtiest specimen ever?Took a sip of water from the bottle, calmed down and took a move to end it up right there.Called Ram.He never picked up. After calling him for more than ten times and few text messages
Ram: Hey, what is it so urgent?
Nandita: Yup, I want to talk about us, Okay not us,my selves
Ram: But what after my semesters are done. I am on my group studies
Nandita: Please, I want to ( breaking in to tears)
Ram: ‘Girls and their melodrama’.I cannot speak.’Call me after a week. No, I will itself call’.
Before I could speak.All I could hear is a disconnected phone’s tone.I tried calling him over and over.He switched it off. Inspite of knowing its switched off, I kept on trying again and again with the hope that he will ‘on’ it. I texted him like a zillion times. No one can text faster as a pissed off female. I am no exception. I got so irritated.Calls, texts no answer. Some times everyone needs someone. But I had no one and that’s just because of me.Frustrated, I just threw my phone right on the floor.I once again was in the process of wetting my pillow with even louder weeps.
After few minutes, I again cursed my selves and blamed it was me and I need this kind of treatment. I was in so bad shape. I was not in a position to even get up, I just crawled and reached my phone. Right after I shattered it, after placing my battery and pulling the back covers, it works.What a technological wonder it is, Nokia.Best known for its durability and now I loved it even more, no it loved me more.The only (non-)living thing in my life showing its dedication and returning its love to me. I kept on ringing him like more than a hour.
Finally the ring went, I sighed a breath of relief.
Ram: What Nandita, what is the problem?
Nandita: Ram ( I started crying)
Ram:Is it going to bother me or what?. You seem so dull. I switched it ‘on’, the next moment my phone rung.
Nandita: Yeah something sensitive.
Ram:Then just leave me Nandita, I will listen to it after my exams. You know my ambition, its a dream. I dont want to be disturbed. I am sure , I am going to give it the best shot. I have prepared so well. Hope you understand.
Nandita: Cant you even hear to what I am talking?. Could you not pacify me or give a ear. Anyways am tired of trying. Guru smooched me on my lips. I dont want to justify anything. But I feel I am ditching you, wanted to blurt it out. Anyways I have decided I dont want both of you in my life. You did not do any mistakes. I did it.Y should you take all the shit. I am sorry for being unfaithful. Lets end it up.
Ram: ( Agitated) So was it only the smooch?. Anyways I know this is going to happen . Better leave me in peace. Bye.
What kind of response was that. I needed Ram , okay it was too much expecting him after doing too much but why should he not care me?. At least talk a few words or blasted me for hours. His semesters were two days away. He has the time but still why did he do that? He never even waned to hear me when I needed most. I decided I dont want both of them but at every bit of my heart I expected Ram to atleast keep me calm. I didn’t expect any love, I least-deserved it just ‘attention’.Do I dont even deserve that too? Anyways I was imperfect how can I expect. Everything was over.
I was lying like a corpse on the bed. Only my eyes spoke in the form of tears.My world ended just before my eyes. Who am I? That too a life without Guru and Ram. I didn’t even know life existed apart from them.When leaving Ram was difficult how would it be without Guru ?. I can never picture it, it seemed far better to stop breathing after that second. But I wanted to prefer being strong.
Trrrrring Trrrrrrring I felt some sound, I checked my lovable Nokia but it was not that. Hardly I could differentiate between a calling bell and my ring tone. My life sucked and that was the results. Repeated Trrrrrrring Trrrrring. I was back to my senses.I definitely know its not mama or papa so I didn’t even bother.
Again Trrrrrrring Trrrrrring
WTF, I just got up with lots of strength peeped through the keyhole. To my surprise/shock I dont know which to prefer it was ‘Guru’. One part of me want to run in to his arms, other part of me asked , ‘are you inviting more mess’?.Now a battle greater than a world war ran in my head. Finally I decided, already am shattered, so who cares?. Least I could ask, ‘what was the purpose of the visit?’. Or atleast I can end the relationship in a decent mode.
I opened the door.( Was it doors to paradise/ hell? Confused)
Guru : Hello Nandita
Nandita: Hello Guru, What’s up?
Guru : Nothing, just like that. Will you not call in?. How long are you going to keep me at the door?
Nandita : Hey sorry, Come in
Guru:You seem to be very dull, Fever
Nandita: ( Idiot, you made go through all this) Little bit
Guru : Where is aunty?
Nandita : They are not in town, will be late
Guru: I dont know Nandita, what to speak.I tried covering up but I am running short of all formal conversations
Nandita: I second you
Guru: Did you have anything, I know your so upset.I am sure you would have not eaten anything.I ll get something and come
Nandita : No, please. If neighbours see you going in and out it will be an issue.
Guru : Shall we order pizzas?. You look starving. If you have food you will feel better
Nandita: Guru, you leave.I will take care. Your not knowing the seriousness if people sees us together. I assure you, I will eat something.
Guru: How can I leave you?. Your temperature is high, you look dead.Fights apart, I want you to be fine if I am with you or not understand? But now there is no one, so I will care you until your family turns up ( He raised his voice)
Nandita: What should I do now?
Guru: Nothing you rest for a while.
All I did was lied on the couch with blankets tucked in.I was barely blank what I was witnessing. My eyes were pleading to sleep. Indeed my eyelids were heavy to rest on my eyes. I felt so numb.Through the glass, Guru was visible. He was trying to cook. I saw him chopping onions and pulling the vessels.Everything around me was so blurring. I did not know whether it was hunger or disgusting life taking its stroll.I closed my eyes for a while.
Guru came over and tapped me within an hour.I opened my eyes.He placed a towel on me and fed me. It was some tomato mixed rice.I did not sense how it tasted or I was not sure even my taste buds worked.I just gulped it. Instantly I felt bit better. He fed me with milk also and completed the meal.I was not the best but definitely back in to life.I wanted to thank him for the care. But he was the reason for this trauma. So my ego never left me to speak.I just told him , ‘I am fine. You better leave’.
Guru asked to leave a call to mum,I called mum, she told ‘she will be in less than a hour or so’. He felt assured and reached the door yelling: ‘Call me any time, if you want something and please dont hesitate’.I replied with a nod.The next moment,I was wrapped in his arms.He laid my head on his chest and brushed my hair.He ran his fingers over my face.He bent down and planted a kiss on my forehead followed by my cheeks.He tried to near my lips. Before I could react, he told ‘Not now’ and talked. Nandu:’You take rest, have a good sleep, dont think about anything. I will see you tomorrow’.
He waved ‘bye’ and left.Not again. Where my life is heading to?. Who is Guru?, Why did he come in to my life?. What am I doing with him?. He did not even tell ‘Sorry’ or feel bad what has happened?. Is it right or wrong?. Why did I not talk/resist him?.Am I liking him?. Is he using me?.What relationship is this?.
Is it ‘friends with benefits‘ kind of? Eventually when I had this feeling pop up I felt so sick of myself. But this is what we are doing right? That was the right term however hard it was to take it.Did Guru love you?. Never. He loved only Laxmi but am I just a toy in his hands. I felt disgusting when so much thoughts battled up.
I just wanted to end up my life, but I did not have so much guts.People tell, suicide is the most weakest option ever anyone can do, but neverthless you should require courage to do it.When I went through that phase, I could realize physical pain is nothing when your emotionally exhausted so much.Few minutes you will be relieved from this polluted world.It would be better if it is polluted-me of-course. A sleep to eternity. It was really worth it. Few minutes of pain to a long term relief.
Sometimes body pain takes control of your emotional stuff and I finally dozed off. I was so exhausted that I barely never knew when I slept.