We both never could differentiate love, attraction and friendship. May be due to the reason that Ram and Laxmi started reciprocating their feelings slowly. They didn’t still propose but showed the beginning positive signs of a relationship. But now we didn’t feel for them the same way. The attraction was there but the effect was fading off. The highlights were things started to fall in pace for both of us at the same time eventually which was least expected. The same relationship confusion prevailed, we did not know whom to prioritise. Love or friend (a complicated one now)?

Possessiveness started to creep for Laxmi since Guru was always either around or hanging with me. She fought with him and Guru was in total mess. He was not able to either avoid me or go by her. Though I wanted him to let go for his ‘love’, my heart yearned and even his. It was mutual on either side. On the other hand Ram started calling me often, he was in town and yeah we hanged out quite a few times. He was a bit flirty this time. I was clearly able to differentiate. I was supposed to reciprocate; after all I was dying for it for two years.  I tried too but all I can do was to smile and change the topic to commonalities. He offered me even a spin and I don’t know why I even rejected the offer. Before my mind processed my lips avoided instantly.

We were supposed to be close in love, but we didn’t. We were supposed to be distant from friendship, but we didn’t. We never showed each other. We showed off each other that Ram and Laxmi both were falling for us now, but it was not from our hearts. Every relationship was demanding. Girls always have a set of rules in which the guy should follow it for them to prove that they loved them. Laxmi was the perfect girlie types and rules were fired on Guru. He was not supposed to talk to girls, nor come late to home, hang out even with his friends the boys too; he should always speak with her and the same same boring list which went on and on. Guru was helpless. It was ‘love’ and he obviously tried to satisfy her.

Ram was also upset on me. Whenever he is up in the phone, when I utter ‘Guru’s name, he deviates ‘let’s talk about us’. Obviously when he asks me ‘how was the day’? Guru is filled in it, what can I bluff? It tested my patience so much. I tried to keep me down as I was not ready to fight with him. It was not Guru to handle me or remain silent and will never let me go whatever it is. I hit my head and told ‘This is Ram’. So I was to control whatever it is. Ram added fuel to the fire ‘Do you like Guru or me’. It was getting too much. Days went harder.

We were not the happy; take it easy typo friends anymore. We were corned by our relationship problems. We started blasting between us not directly to Ram and Laxmi; we don’t have guts to leave our ‘love’ down. We were good actors in our relationship. But in friendship only we were the ‘real-us’.  We yelled ‘Ram and Laxmi: these guys never even bothered when we were heart-broke, showed their disgusting attitude, and treated us like shit’. But suddenly they enter our lives and they want us to change for them and even die at their feet’. They will ask us to ditch the ‘friendship’ and die for ‘love’. The highlight is still they both didn’t even propose us still yet they were so demanding.

When we analysed through brains we felt, Ram and Laxmi were also right according to their perspectives. We could not deny that. They are the perfects but the expectations what they wanted to meet was off high standards. They are the exact love materials. We both can’t even afford to stand near to it however we try to. We never could tell, ‘They didn’t match us ‘. Brutally it’s a sin. It will be better saying’ we didn’t match them or never could’.

We were the most insane ones. That’s why we never had a problem between us. Our relationship was entirely different. Now it was still more complicated that too after the bike ride. We were in oscillation. We liked each other but we don’t know whether its ‘friendship’. We believe it’s ‘friendship’. We don’t want to name it love and spoil the divine feeling. That too since we have named Ram and Laxmi’s relationship with us as love, we felt it was filthy. Friendship was a purer form.

Whenever a conversation strikes about them, we start comparing Ram and Laxmi to us. Guru was telling ‘How nice if Laxmi has the same characteristics like you’ and I felt the same between ‘Ram and Guru’. In a relationship once when you have started comparing with all your heart with others. It means obviously you have already fallen for them. But still we were clueless.

One thing which was soothing is that, though we were restricted from hanging out by our respective lovers. Yeah of course we were loyal to them. We did not do that. But college was the only place we were at peace. The workload squeezed us close even more. It was time for our semesters. Study holidays had already begun, model exams followed. Group studies were on. Shiv, Tanvi, Shravs and Mukunth joined. The two jelled with the other two well and we were now six. We had subjects in common. Information Technology and Computer Science have quite similar papers. So study time was fun that too minus our lovers-the added advantage. No restrictions because it was semesters. Now Guru and I even loved semesters for that. Crazy right: I will tell you, fall in love you will know the sequences. That too with the serious type nerds, you will understand the difference when you are tested every day without a break. You will start urging for independent space.

Guru started looking too manly in the recent days. I loved his shirts, his eye brows, his dusky shades, his silky hair, his smile and everything about him. This never happened in the first instant. He was a normal typo guy but now something is special. As a person I loved everything about him totally. His attitude, his decisions, and his valid arguments everything drew me closer. Sometimes whatever is loved by your heart, your eyes portrays it even more beautifully. It just happens.

Two and a half years back, I use to tell him ‘Wacky, what colour shirt man, disgusting dressing sense’. But now I felt like telling him ‘You look good’. I was not able to tell him daily though, that seemed odd. Back in the earlier days, I used to tell him, but it was very rarely that too in a sarcastic way. I felt so obsessed that Guru was good looking when compared to Ram. Argh not Ram too, even better than my favourite celebrities. I was blind folded with Guru. Addiction was beyond stages.

I don’t know whether Guru felt the same way. But sometimes the way you look in to each other is different. I observed those signs. He was looking liking me often while in a group even when I didn’t contribute to the conversation. He looked Tanvi and Shravs in a very casual way just like Shiv and Mukunth. But whenever it was me, it was bit deeper. Might be I was looking him in the same yearning way or I don’t know whether I assumed things. Oh no, now I started to fall for his eyes too. It was electrifying.  Sometimes it may be cinematic but after all real life is inspired from movies. So what!!

That was the end of models. The final one was ‘Data structures’. As a college-goer you don’t mind the model exam stuff. So it was like a time pass to fill in the paper since attendance was compulsory. After all you have the study holidays to clear the semesters. Evening we had the six of us to hit the coffee shop. To stretch out a bit and start hunting for books. All you need is a whole night, local author book and an intelligent head to explain the logics and yeah you can clear engineering. We had nerds like Tanvi and Mukunth around so exams did not bother much.

It was a busy evening in Café Day. We had a good chit-chat and managed to get a corner seat, a view from the first floor. It was raining like cats and dogs. The leaves were dripping, it frost the glasses. It made the lovers romantic who were sitting next to us. They were blushing often and were getting cosy. As we were all a gang, the only way to have fun was to look and irritate them. Finally they insulted us by not even having a turn-around. Best insult ever. They were so much endorsed in to their own worlds.  We started talking about us, same conversations: affairs, family tantrums and boozing. It was usual. The topic just flew from childhood days, schools, how we became friends and there it was ‘The little crazy undefined desires’.

Tanvi was like ‘I want a church wedding, the bridal dresses’. It alarmed Shiv, being a Hindu. But he didn’t show. Mukunth wanted to ‘kiss his tenth standard teacher’. Shravs wanted to bang her ‘maternal uncle’s son’ childhood vengeance it seems. It was Guru’s turn; he wanted to be the only guest with thousand guitarists playing only for him’. Next was mine, I immediately sprung telling ‘I want to go in train, I have never been’. All my relatives are in Coimbatore. I did not have a chance. Everyone instantly broke in to laughter.

Coimbatore is an industrial hub. It’s not a metropolitan one. So local metros never existed. It was a posh, highly civilized town. So it was not a crime that why I haven’t travelled in train? But we all had a good laugh especially mocking at my little crazy desire. It was not unattainable but I didn’t have chances. The next two weeks were study holidays.  We slept, ate everything in home, mocked at the books, talk with neighbours watched all the stupid flicks on television even the boring cooking shows and the hyper mode is cleaning your room. The least interesting ones too interest you, the power of study holidays.

Already we both were the lethargic ones, study holidays was a boost to us. Guru rang me and told the next day, we have some mechanics class. He asked me to meet before starting to college in a nearby stadium. I reached there next day; he waved hands and handed me over two train tickets which were for a nearby town. The travel was two hours. He told lets reach station immediately, and then only you can reach home by six after taking a bus from there. The best surprise ever!!!






3 thoughts on “7. CONFUSED

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