11. LOVE/LUST/FRIENDSHIP

Its been a while I have blogged. Some instances I wanted to take Guru and Nandita out of my minds.But they never seem to leave me. Finally I found I am too much in love with them more than my husband, that I cannot stay away :P. Its definitely a walk down the memory lane.

FAST REWIND
Nandita on the air-travel with her two year old reminds of her love-life with Guru( Her Husband).How she meets Guru , how they fell for each other.The story unravels with Guru, Nandita meeting on their math centers, get in to the same college.Guru loves Laxmi but she is engaged. Nandita loves Ram. But suddenly a lip-lock between Guru and Nandita has changed their lifes. Nandita is almost shattered by Guru’s transition.

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The semester fever was on. All the study holidays were devoted to romancing. Though the effect of romance was twice. Its after effects were tremendous.Everyone feels complete after a kiss but I was definitely not one among them. Firstly it was not whether I loved the kiss, the location and so on but I didnt know whether I liked Guru or not ?. Then how would I have enjoyed it and treasured the moments. Loads of chaos was going within me. Sometimes it was okay, rest of the times was, what next?. There was no clarity in future. Oops a future do really existed between us?. How could it be when both of them never fell for each other at the first place.I have definitely heard arranged marriages what is this arranged love, love for kiss, lust? What heck, I stopped thinking nowadays.

There were times when I even broke the remote if there was a smooch in movies. Sometimes the whole family doubted whether I was straight.My cousin sisters tested on me showing the hot looking guys to make sure my hormones were working.All the pictures of my sensational South-Indian heart throb Vishal who decorated my bedroom walls was in the bin.The whole family were so damn concerned on me, they did not bother exams or nothing.They surely know it was not love after all breaking a remote for kiss were nowhere connected.It was on a weird way because I was proving it at right places.I used to hog on my books.I ate Microprocessors,drunk probability, breathed Computer architectures,lived on databases and slept on software engineering.I was definitely not a nerdo but to keep me far from my thinking this principle worked.Study for marks was shattered in to pieces, I studied for distraction.Lot many times aspired to be a nerdo: but being one among it,I hated it to the core.I have stopped hanging out, no phone conversations with friends, even the break between semesters were just to sleep on the couch.

I cried in nights. Depression took over me next to my textbooks.I desperately wanted life. A happening one. Will the kiss be erased out? , Will Ram be back, Can Guru and me be the same crazy friends again?. After knowing the answer, I questioned it for a thousandth time.

Five exams were down, we were left only with a probability paper.Anticipation of the last exam were all long gone. I did not want the exams to end. If it ends, no distraction. What is going to make me occupied?That feeling send shivers in me.Between this semesters itself there will be a minimum of ten calls from Guru which will be unanswered.After semesters it will be even more. How am I going to avoid him?. On the other side, Ram never called me after the last conversation. Not even a text message.I didnt know this was the usual Ram during semesters but this time it was not the same.My heart knew.Now again distraction and more distraction, it was Markov process and Markov chains, transition process and limiting distributions.

The exam went on well. It was fairly an easy paper.All I could see after the exams were happy faces except the gloomy me. Shiv, Tanvi,Naren,Nivedita were all around which obviously meant Guru was there.I was avoiding him so intentionally in these semester days but today I was right in the middle of them and my bloody mind never screened any better alternatives ( Flat tyre, dad is waiting, mom is sick, cousin’s wedding, holiday).Uff… before I could think Shiv dragged me to canteen. I looked so blank. All my answers were of objective types.I could not look at Guru. But Guru just looked only in to my eyes. It was so obvious to sense for everyone there. Suddenly Guru took his phone and spoke for a minute and told he needed to leave straight away. I sighed a breath of relief seeing him leaving.

My next mission was to call Tanvi and Shravs for a sleep-over at my place.After all girls it happens. I wanted to spit out everything. I need to breath. It was almost a month I am going through this all alone. I wanted to take a decision and end this.Before that Tanvi told, Guru is waiting near the bike park. He wanted to talk something about Mukunth and Shravs, something private.There is Nandu and Nivi here so you go, me and Shiv will join you after a while. Perhaps you didnt attend the call.

Guru waved hands from long distance.Now I was left with no blame excuses rather than meeting him.I walked straight to him with heavy steps.I did not dare to look at him. When I went near: he just told,’ I will take you,I want to talk,Please dont you make a scene. I want to sort the differences out’.I badly wanted it, but I want suggestions from Tanvi and Shravs, he did not give me time.I told him ‘Tomorrow’. He looked as if he will fall at my feet. It was so sweet that I could never oblige.Girls always love this, I was never an exception.I told ,’ Okay wait in the usual spot,I will walk over’.

Such a quick change-over. I looked at him awe-stuck. A blue coolers matching his white shirt. He has tucked it out and rolled over his sleeves. I always envy such a spontaneous transformation any-time any-place from guys: formal to semi-formal, semi-formal to casual, Waav. But girls are always shitty.Its never possible, even if we try it looks pathetic.And definitely today I looked like a maid to him. I never matched him. Oops matching is all far away, I could not even stand near such charming looks. He looked hot.Its been ages I had grooming, not even a haircut.

We never uttered a word between us. I never gripped his shoulder too for balance. I managed with the handles. He drove to some kudil(hut) restaurant for the lunch session. The place was very beautiful. Independent huts with single tables scattered everywhere.The greenery was magnificent.The tables, spoons, crockery were very authentic.There was a stream of water gushing in. It seemed very quiet and ensured loads of privacy.

We settled in.Guru sat beside me. We ordered some Naans and chicken chettinad. He talked very casually the semesters, exams and every single gossip except what we had shared. I started feeling comfortable. However it is, Guru and so it comes.We talked, laughed and fought but it was artificial. We could not deny that.We were trying to cover it up and start the old-us.

The food was awesome.The ambience, the company everything added meaning.Before we waited for the bill. Guru just came forward. We did not know what happened.But we kissed again.It was just a fraction of second. Not again, again and again.Every other time it was passion reloaded. We did not know where this led but it happened again and changed everything.We just managed a smile, paid the bill and moved away. Back in our minds, definitely we thanked for such a privacy secured ambience.

This time it was light. I never gave second thoughts about anything. He drove home. While waving a bye to him. He kissed me again on the road.We both did not mind the consequences, nothing/no one spoiled the heat within us.The day ended beautifully. Car, home, restaurant and even road. Love is blind. Nope, in our cases love is over-rated.Lust is blind, that sounds perfect on us.

It may be our age, attraction, infatuation whatever but the next dimension in life was thrilling. A different world altogether we witnessed.Initially the guilt was there, but definitely not now.I convinced I have moved on Ram.I knew how loneliness was and how much I was craving for attention. Silence became my language, tears were my identity.It was only Guru who came to me. Though I have avoided his calls every single day he was the one who have never gave up on me.

I could not deny he was the ray of hope to me.We did not know what future had in-store for us. The semester holidays were wonderful. We hanged out every single day and yeah the hugs, cuddles and kisses were the added ones. It became normal to us just like we hitting each other.To the limelights, he always kissed not me, I just responded :P. That marked the difference. We dont know whether we were lovers/friends. We did not care what relationship it was ?

It might be friendship/lust/love? We lived life every single minute but never thought about the next second. That was why our going was beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10.BEST REMEDY FOR A KISS IS TO KISS AGAIN

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Guru: I just wanted to check whether my androgens and your progestogens are working properly. And yeah they are working.
Nandita: Stop it. We kissed and your not even realizing.
Guru: Apart from jokes really I never felt it would be happening, I thought we will just laugh at it and go for a spin. Things were beyond control
Nandita: Liar, you were so bloody perfect and that’s why you bought the car.
Guru: Common this is the not the first time we are  together.
Nandita: No arguments. You sexist . Just drop me as soon as possible. Am not in a mood to talk
Guru:What me ‘Sexist’

He raised his fist against me but he pulled it down the next instant.He drove so damn rashly , we were eventually flying. We reached home and he dropped me at the street corner.We never waved ‘bye’ or exchanged a word with each other. I just could not witness what happened between us that too ‘Guru and Nandita’. It was least expected. How do things just change within a day. It was three long years we were together, we have freaked out so much but we were always on our limits.As Guru said, we had a lot of chances even better than the car ride, but why it did not happen before. Eventually I didn’t regret that we didn’t smooch earlier but what transformation was it ? I knew Guru was never the flirty types but it never seemed desperate. It just happened.

Slowly my mind drifted from Guru to Ram. What did this poor guy do? He just trusts me and leaves his girlfriend to hang around ( And yeah girl friend after all he have told he is liking me too much these days ).I just thought before thinking about ‘Guru and me’. I should probably tell him, I don’t deserve such a perfect guy like him.Let me erase both of them from my life.’Be single,stay happy’ and most important is’Be faithful or quit’.I never was loyal to him, so I deserve this loneliness in my life.

I definitely should not blame Guru also , I influenced him and bought him to this level.When I analysed slowly , I was solely responsible for the whole disaster of my life. I just made it still. I was the one who was hitting both of them at the same time. Which I should have never done in the first phase. I made it fucking complicated.I felt so ashamed of seducing Guru.I just wept the whole afternoon. Thankfully both mama and papa were out of town for a wedding and were expected late hours. My pillow went through my pain. It was soaked like anything.

As hours flew by my loud weeps became silent grins. I felt so weak. I just want to forget everything.The inner voice in me hit me so hard, I could never come back to the real world.My every part of the body pained like anything.At one point I was not able to co-ordinate my hands to wipe my tears.I was mentally dead, physically living.What kind of girl I am ?.Such a bitch. Have I not spoiled my reputation and even my family’s the way they have bought me up and how I am living it now? Cheating my friend and my boy friend.I am one of the dirtiest specimen ever?Took a sip of water from the bottle, calmed down and took a move to end it up right there.Called Ram.He never picked up. After calling him for more than ten times and few text messages
Ram: Hey, what is it so urgent?
Nandita: Yup, I want to talk about us, Okay not us,my selves
Ram: But what after my semesters are done. I am on my group studies
Nandita: Please, I want to ( breaking in to tears)
Ram: ‘Girls and their melodrama’.I cannot speak.’Call me after a week. No, I will itself call’.

Before I could speak.All I could hear is a disconnected phone’s tone.I tried calling him over and over.He switched it off. Inspite of knowing its switched off, I kept on trying again and again with the hope that he will ‘on’ it. I texted him like a zillion times. No one can text faster as a pissed off female. I am no exception. I got so irritated.Calls, texts no answer. Some times everyone needs someone. But I had no one and that’s just because of me.Frustrated, I just threw my phone right on the floor.I once again was in the process of wetting my pillow with even louder weeps.

After few minutes, I again cursed my selves and blamed it was me and I need this kind of treatment. I was in so bad shape. I was not in a position to even get up, I just crawled and reached my phone. Right after I shattered it, after placing my battery and pulling the back covers, it works.What a technological wonder it is, Nokia.Best known for its durability and now I loved it even more, no it loved me more.The only (non-)living thing in my life showing its dedication and returning its love to me. I kept on ringing him like more than a hour.

Finally the ring went, I sighed a breath of relief.
Ram: What Nandita, what is the problem?
Nandita: Ram ( I started crying)
Ram:Is it going to bother me or what?. You seem so dull. I switched it ‘on’, the next moment my phone rung.
Nandita: Yeah something sensitive.
Ram:Then just leave me Nandita, I will listen to it after my exams. You know my ambition, its a dream. I dont want to be disturbed. I am sure , I am going to give it the best shot. I have prepared so well. Hope you understand.
Nandita: Cant you even hear to what I am talking?. Could you not pacify me or give a ear. Anyways am tired of trying. Guru smooched me on my lips. I dont want to justify anything. But I feel I am ditching you, wanted to blurt it out. Anyways I have decided I dont want both of you in my life. You did not do any mistakes. I did it.Y should you take all the shit. I am sorry for being unfaithful. Lets end it up.
Ram: ( Agitated) So was it only the smooch?. Anyways I know this is going to happen . Better leave me in peace. Bye.

What kind of response was that. I needed Ram , okay it was too much expecting him after doing too much but why should he not care me?. At least talk a few words or blasted me for hours. His semesters were two days away. He has the time but still why did he do that? He never even waned to hear me when I needed most. I decided I dont want both of them but at every bit of my heart I expected Ram to atleast keep me calm. I didn’t expect any love, I least-deserved it just ‘attention’.Do I dont even deserve that too? Anyways I was imperfect how can I expect. Everything was over.
I was lying like a corpse on the bed. Only my eyes spoke in the form of tears.My world ended just before my eyes. Who am I? That too a life without Guru and Ram. I didn’t even know life existed apart from them.When leaving Ram was difficult how would it be without Guru ?. I can never picture it, it seemed far better to stop breathing after that second. But I wanted to prefer being strong.

Trrrrring Trrrrrrring I felt some sound, I checked my lovable Nokia but it was not that. Hardly I could differentiate between a calling bell and my ring tone. My life sucked and that was the results. Repeated Trrrrrrring Trrrrring. I was back to my senses.I definitely know its not mama or papa so I didn’t even bother.

Again Trrrrrrring Trrrrrring
WTF, I just got up with lots of strength peeped through the keyhole. To my surprise/shock I dont know which to prefer it was ‘Guru’. One part of me want to run in to his arms, other part of me asked , ‘are you inviting more mess’?.Now a battle greater than a world war ran in my head. Finally I decided, already am shattered, so who cares?. Least I could ask, ‘what was the purpose of the visit?’. Or atleast I can end the relationship in a decent mode.
I opened the door.( Was it doors to paradise/ hell? Confused)
Guru : Hello Nandita
Nandita: Hello Guru, What’s up?
Guru : Nothing, just like that. Will you not call in?. How long are you going to keep me at the door?
Nandita : Hey sorry, Come in
Guru:You seem to be very dull, Fever
Nandita: ( Idiot, you made go through all this) Little bit
Guru : Where is aunty?
Nandita : They are not in town, will be late
Guru: I dont know Nandita, what to speak.I tried covering up but I am running short of all formal conversations
Nandita: I second you
Guru: Did you have anything, I know your so upset.I am sure you would have not eaten anything.I ll get something and come
Nandita : No, please. If neighbours see you going in and out it will be an issue.
Guru : Shall we order pizzas?. You look starving. If you have food you will feel better
Nandita: Guru, you leave.I will take care. Your not knowing the seriousness if people sees us together. I assure you, I will eat something.
Guru: How can I leave you?. Your temperature is high, you look dead.Fights apart, I want you to be fine if I am with you or not understand? But now there is no one, so I will care you until your family turns up ( He raised his voice)
Nandita: What should I do now?
Guru: Nothing you rest for a while.

All I did was lied on the couch with blankets tucked in.I was barely blank what I was witnessing. My eyes were pleading to sleep. Indeed my eyelids were heavy to rest on my eyes. I felt so numb.Through the glass, Guru was visible. He was trying to cook. I saw him chopping onions and pulling the vessels.Everything around me was so blurring. I did not know whether it was hunger or disgusting life taking its stroll.I closed my eyes for a while.

Guru came over and tapped me within an hour.I opened my eyes.He placed a towel on me and fed me. It was some tomato mixed rice.I did not sense how it tasted or I was not sure even my taste buds worked.I just gulped it. Instantly I felt bit better. He fed me with milk also and completed the meal.I was not the best but definitely back in to life.I wanted to thank him for the care. But he was the reason for this trauma. So my ego never left me to speak.I just told him , ‘I am fine. You better leave’.

Guru asked to leave a call to mum,I called mum, she told ‘she will be in less than a hour or so’. He felt assured and reached the door yelling: ‘Call me any time, if you want something and please dont hesitate’.I replied with a nod.The next moment,I was wrapped in his arms.He laid my head on his chest and brushed my hair.He ran his fingers over my face.He bent down and planted a kiss on my forehead followed by my cheeks.He tried to near my lips. Before I could react, he told ‘Not now’ and talked. Nandu:’You take rest, have a good sleep, dont think about anything. I will see you tomorrow’.

He waved ‘bye’ and left.Not again. Where my life is heading to?. Who is Guru?, Why did he come in to my life?. What am I doing with him?. He did not even tell ‘Sorry’ or feel bad what has happened?. Is it right or wrong?. Why did I not talk/resist him?.Am I liking him?. Is he using me?.What relationship is this?.

Is it ‘friends with benefits‘ kind of? Eventually when I had this feeling pop up I felt so sick of myself. But this is what we are doing right? That was the right term however hard it was to take it.Did Guru love you?. Never. He loved only Laxmi but am I just a toy in his hands. I felt disgusting when so much thoughts battled up.

I just wanted to end up my life, but I did not have so much guts.People tell, suicide is the most weakest option ever anyone can do, but neverthless you should require courage to do it.When I went through that phase, I could realize physical pain is nothing when your emotionally exhausted so much.Few minutes you will be relieved from this polluted world.It would be better if it is polluted-me of-course. A sleep to eternity. It was really worth it. Few minutes of pain to a long term relief.

Sometimes body pain takes control of your emotional stuff and I finally dozed off. I was so exhausted that I barely never knew when I slept.

9. SHUT UP, LETS KISS FIRST AND FALL IN LOVE LATER

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It was a Sunday morning.The time was around eleven.I was as always a pampered one so no one dares to wake me up except my lovable maid who puts off the fan and switches off the air conditioner.She is too dedicated even if I tell her clean my room tomorrow, she is like five,ten minutes only. She is one who tortures me in the mornings. The same conversation and I lost to her as always.I tried to open my eyes ,Ram and Guru visualized. Reality was so hard to me. I just felt like getting lost from this damn world. My phone was buzzing in the vibration mode.I just searched my phone with half-opened eyes and found ‘Guru’ calling. I left it to ring, I was not ready to take it any more I tried to sleep again and mom barged in. She was like Guru has come. He is waiting.

Before I could sense, Guru was now on my bedroom door. Mom got really pissed off. Though she could nt show him much she asked ‘Coffee’ and took him to the living room. I was with my lousy pyjamas.I rushed to the restroom to refresh and change. Guru was teary-eyed. He was not the happy go guy I used to see him. I asked him ‘Hang-over’ yesterday night?. Whatever the situation is we both talk fluent sarcasm. He sprung ‘Do you have sense or what, my life is breaking in to pieces’. Now I was sure he was high.What?, I did nt seem concerned.

Guru broke ‘ Laxmi is getting married’.She is happy about it. I could nt hold my laughter. ‘Common,that calls a reason to celebrate’. ‘Single again’, woohoo. I don’t know I did nt feel for him but I was happy from all my heart. Guru stood up: ‘I thought you will be soothing, shit you have your guy that’s why you are not even realising how aching it is’. Before he could step out,mom served him with coffee and he drunk it like water and left as soon as possible.

I switched the tele on, I didn’t care what was going around. Watched all the boring shows. My heart drifted slowly.Guru,Guru ,Guru his name echoed in my head a million times. I messed it up.I immediately took a shower gave him a call told ‘Sorry, I was just out of bed’ that’s why ,’Lets meet up the usual venue’.Waved mom ‘Bye’. She was totally confused, more than confusion I did nt have breakfast that bothered her much.The usual sweet caring mom. They are always the best.I told I will be back soon and explain you.

Guru was waiting in the cafe shop.As the movies depicted, he looked like the same heart-broken devdas kind-of guy.The stubble,drunk eyes,black shirt,uncombed hair, flip flops and depressing caller tunes.I thought what philosophy is this’. If your eventually having a break-up , next scene you should look dashing, that matters, attitude. Anyways he is of a single girl typo. I did nt want to blast at him and I am sure he will hit me , it was not my home even. So that was obvious. I tried to do the same as a friend pacify him.Guru told, ‘Please stop that, more than she left me, your pacifying me looks so damn artificial’.I know you are not good at it.That was it, I thanked him and spoke common things.

I am the type, who can never care much.Even if my close ones are sick,least I take them to hospital but I don’t keep on asking ‘Are you okay?’ a thousand times naah not even a single time.I am not a emotional glue.I even tend to forget to check on them.Bit boyish attitude. Thats how I am, But Guru understands.We know us and it needs no explanation.

Days, weeks, months flew by. Guru was getting depressed more and more.He was always mourning and I was so bored of him.I wanted the interesting chap back in my life, I was waiting for his comeback. We spent lot of time together, a lot more he was in need of it. I did not comfort him nor hurt him.But I was always around.That mattered.Sometimes he was spontaneous,sometimes he was lonely.Difficult to balance him indeed.

Even if Ram keeps me in a conversation longer he throws fire on me.He always wanted me, I know it was too much but this is Guru and I always loved the attachment.Guru realizes he shouldn’t but he couldn’t. Sometimes though I should not differentiate my heart always does.Ram wants me when he is in a relaxed free mode but for Guru its always me. Still now I never knew who I should love or who I should be friendly?.Its already fixed and I was not ready to go against it.

It was mid of June, Ram was on the phone. It was his study holidays, it was not the usual him.I was happy but he made me feel small instantly saying he badly wanted a break between his tedious study sessions and that was the reason behind his call.He is a nerd so whenever its his semester,interns, seminars, study holidays I will not exist to him. He says its distracting.Whatever it is it will be after his semester holidays only. That is the time space for you to speak.It was one strong reason why I did not connect well with him.

This time he was sounding bit flirtatious. Even after the insult, I felt okay.He spontaneously told, ‘I think I am liking you now too much these days’.Waah, That was it. I was happy, I didn’t utter a word after it.Though he didn’t propose me, ‘just liking’ it felt nice that too after three years. He told, ‘Take care, I will call you after my semesters are done’ and disconnected.

I was indeed happy but not joyous and over delighted.I could just get the feeling as if the semesters were postponed.Nothing much.I thought might be I did nt share with my close friends that’s why I was so dumb. I screened whom to call, with no doubts it was ‘Guru’.Guru was as always with his friends circle.He picked over and I tried to show my ecstasy. Ram told ‘He likes me’.Guru was happy as well.He told ‘So when are you going to treat me?, life is settled’.

Now I felt really good slipped :’waah treat, sure I feel like hugging you, I am bloody soo excited. I dont know what to do too’.
Guru was crazy always: ‘Only hug’
I told ‘I will kiss you even, am high
Sometimes words don’t take control,I felt the same. This was a better instance.I just told him, ‘Stop kidding’.I will tell Shravs and Tanvi and disconnected.

I felt bad how Guru will take it. I know he understands me even better than myselves, but still.I received a text message from Guru
Guru : When and Where will I have my kiss?:p
I just loved it that instant. Now I was confused whether it was the ‘kiss’ or ‘I like you’ which made me high and joyous.

Guru was so obsessed with the ‘hug and kiss’ stuff . He was pondering over it too much. I just left him a text, ‘tomorrow we will meet up’ and wrapped the conversation. I know Guru well, he was pulling my legs so I didn’t think much. Next day in the college Guru was looking at me too much. It was like his eyes were glued on my face. I loved it anyways. It was a different feel not shyness too but something beyond words.

He came in the lunch break and declared,’lets bunk’. I will take you for a spin.Before I could think he was already packing his stuffs and told ‘Lets leave’. I just followed him like a dog following his master. After few minutes, we were on the car.He told, ‘Don’t worry, its one of my friend’s.’

We didn’t speak much.He drove somewhere to nowhere. It was a country side. I even doubted whether there was human existence.He suddenly stopped, the place was haunted.He closed the windows of the cars which was the tinted ones. I can sense what was going around but still clueless. He looked deep in to my eyes, I did the same.He clutched my hand tighter.He moved on me.I could feel his breath.I did nt dare to move.My heart pounced faster. He was just centimetres away from my lips.It was so romantic.He slowly brushed his lips on mine and I reciprocated.It was sensual and passionate. He kissed me deeper and deeper and we were so lost in the kiss. He hugged me tightly and never let me move.I was his and he was mine. We owned each other in the kiss. The more he looked in to my eyes, more intimacy lingered.He kissed my cheeks , eyes and all over my face. Our lips were already wet now my face was even more. It was so lusty he was confused where to kiss still he made sure he brushed my lips in periods.He slowly bent down and kissed my neck.

That was it. I was back in my senses. I didn’t want to end up making out in car. I moved him aside but still he held me tighter. I was totally in clutches of him. Then I just pushed him off with all my possible strength.It was not even a make out session but still the way he messed me up was too much.My clothes, my kajal , my gloss was all out of pace.I just got outside the car.I wanted some space to breath.

Guru came out and handed me a bottle of water and a tissue. He sounded perfectly normal as if nothing had happened and we were taking a break from a study session. That pissed me off totally.I had tears in my eyes.I just felt like hitting him and moving away but I didn’t have any option rather than to reach home with him. I didn’t know any whereabouts of this place. So I decided it was not smart to make a fuss with him.We got in to the car, he pulled the windows down after all the deed is done.
Guru : Are you okay?
Nandita:’Was it all planned’?.