Days were really harder. We built glass walls between us. We spoke when we were in the gang, hanged out too in the similar fashion but our privacy sucked. I did want to break the ice but attitude took stroll. He was avoiding me so intentionally. Even causalities like hi-five, sitting near each other were banned. He behaved as if I was a bloody stranger in the group. On the top of it; He avoided eye-contact which made me head strong like’ Why should I go down, it was he who was the cause of it?’ I felt that he never regretted but he wanted me to feel it.
I loved this kind of distance between us especially in the nights where he always leaves me a text ‘I miss the real-us’. But in the day it would be a complete contrast he would be so rigid. Even the tea glasses would be passed to me so cautiously either through Tanvi or Shiv or a vast difference between our fingers. I did not know who the real Guru is someone who will even lay his life but not his ego or the hopeless romantic Guru in the nights. It was hard to realise whether to die a little because we lacked intimacy or live a little because he is yearning me.
Deep inside I know, I was the reason for this mess. But still it was a beautiful phase. No long hours of chatting in the phone, No gossips, No secrets to be shared, No flirting… Oops we never did that, most importantly no fighting and no ogling at the hot guys and pretty babes which absolutely meant we were wasting each and every second of our youth lives. But still it was something worth for. We did not know where it was heading but we, neither at least I felt we were in the right path.
Every minute stood still. Guru was my shadow these years which I have realised so lately. There were Tanvi, Shiv, Mukunth, Shravs always around but no one could replace Guru. Even when you are in a group there is always one sweetheart whom you can talk from your heart still they would not embarrass you whatever it is, that was Guru. Rest of them were like toilet tissues, obviously I can never be without them, they make my day but Guru was like my Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi?? Oxygen, water, food are all essential to survive but being someone in early twenties, you know what life is all about. Closeness and intimacy had different meanings. His way of sensing things, His statement of life, His views, His sense of humour. His contagious jokes, His love , His beliefs, OMG His , His, His…..GURU 🙂
There was so much understanding about Guru. The other face of him. A man so tough, carried by words, deadly arrogant, highly egoistic. It was a complete contrast of the easy going side. I fell in love with this side also . Being a man after all you should possesses these. As weeks, months flew it was the same. He was never going to give in. Except the same text message which now meant hope to me. At times I felt he just resends the drafted message because there will be no clue of love in the dawn. Miniskirts, revealing shirts, sexy pants nothing worked. Sometimes I doubted whether he was a gay. It sent shivers seeing such rudeness but that was him.
The lips which spoke with lots of love were long gone. Only his eyes sparkled with love but now with an extra tinge of arrogance. I missed the fingers which clutched with mine, the hands which shrug my shoulders all the time, the nonstop giggles, laying on the terrace and building our dreams, hitting each other, throwing tantrums, pulling each other and all the crazy things. ‘Togetherness’ seemed nowhere now. I did not sense the secureness and the complete feeling. Moreover I did not feel like am living, everything was freezed right after the fight.
Meanwhile, Guru‘s short and trimmed haircut was replaced with bit longer hair. It seemed like he was working out these days. His abs, his chocolate colour, his masculine chest, his six feet height, the way his hair falls on his forehead while playing basketball with sweat beads made him look superhot. This is not the first time I am seeing him on the ground but this was after his working out sessions; the well-toned Guru, a new avatar. It was thrilling for everyone to watch the matches but watching him was a feast to my eyes. His runners, athletic robes just made me jaw dropping.
I could not stop dreaming about him in nights. I was so desperate to feel him. The more he distanced him selves the more the urge was to do erotic things with him. I just made out with him every night. Only thing was, it was virtual. I loved him not because of his new avatar but his tough attitude. I yearned for a guy like him. I felt he was my dream guy sent to earth.
It was mid of November, I could not resist my love, no my hormonal levels. I just texted, ‘Let’s make-out ‘.