13. Distance makes hormones grow stronger

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Days were really harder. We built glass walls between us. We spoke when we were in the gang, hanged out too in the similar fashion but our privacy sucked. I did want to break the ice but attitude took stroll. He was avoiding me so intentionally. Even causalities like hi-five, sitting near each other were banned. He behaved as if I was a bloody stranger in the group. On the top of it; He avoided eye-contact which made me head strong like’ Why should I go down, it was he who was the cause of it?’ I felt that he never regretted but he wanted me to feel it.

I loved this kind of distance between us especially in the nights where he always leaves me a text ‘I miss the real-us’. But in the day it would be a complete contrast he would be so rigid. Even the tea glasses would be passed to me so cautiously either through Tanvi or Shiv or a vast difference between our fingers. I did not know who the real Guru is someone who will even lay his life but not his ego or the hopeless romantic Guru in the nights. It was hard to realise whether to die a little because we lacked intimacy or live a little because he is yearning me. 

Deep inside I know, I was the reason for this mess. But still it was a beautiful phase. No long hours of chatting in the phone, No gossips, No secrets to be shared, No flirting… Oops we never did that, most importantly no fighting and no ogling at the hot guys and pretty babes which absolutely meant we were wasting each and every second of our youth lives. But still it was something worth for. We did not know where it was heading but we, neither at least I felt we were in the right path.

Every minute stood still. Guru was my shadow these years which I have realised so lately. There were Tanvi, Shiv, Mukunth, Shravs always around but no one could replace Guru. Even when you are in a group there is always one sweetheart whom you can talk from your heart still they would not embarrass you whatever it is, that was Guru. Rest of them were like toilet tissues, obviously I can never be without them, they make my day but Guru was like my Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi??  Oxygen, water, food are all essential to survive but being someone in early twenties, you know what life is all about. Closeness and intimacy had different meanings. His way of sensing things, His statement of life, His views, His sense of humour. His contagious jokes, His love , His beliefs, OMG His , His, His…..GURU 🙂

There was so much understanding about Guru. The other face of him. A man so tough, carried by words, deadly arrogant, highly egoistic. It was a complete contrast of the easy going side. I fell in love with this side also . Being a man after all you should possesses these. As weeks, months flew it was the same. He was never going to give in. Except the same text message which now meant hope to me. At times I felt he just resends the drafted message because there will be no clue of love in the dawn. Miniskirts, revealing shirts, sexy pants nothing worked. Sometimes I doubted whether he was a gay. It sent shivers seeing such rudeness but that was him.

The lips which spoke with lots of love were long gone. Only his eyes sparkled with love but now with an extra tinge of arrogance. I missed the fingers which clutched with mine, the hands which shrug my shoulders all the time, the nonstop giggles, laying on the terrace and building our dreams, hitting each other, throwing tantrums, pulling each other and all the crazy things. ‘Togetherness’ seemed nowhere now. I did not sense the secureness and the complete feeling. Moreover I did not feel like am living, everything was freezed right after the fight.

Meanwhile, Guru‘s short and trimmed haircut was replaced with bit longer hair. It seemed like he was working out these days. His abs, his chocolate colour, his masculine chest, his six feet height, the way his hair falls on his forehead while playing basketball with sweat beads  made him look superhot. This is not the first time I am seeing him on the ground but this was after his working out sessions; the well-toned Guru, a new avatar. It was thrilling for everyone to watch the matches but watching him was a feast to my eyes. His runners, athletic robes just made me jaw dropping.

I could not stop dreaming about him in nights. I was so desperate to feel him. The more he distanced him selves the more the urge was to do erotic things with him. I just made out with him every night. Only thing was, it was virtual. I loved him not because of his new avatar but his tough attitude. I yearned for a guy like him. I felt he was my dream guy sent to earth.

It was mid of November, I could not resist my love, no my hormonal levels. I just texted, ‘Let’s make-out ‘.

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12. NEW DEFINITIONS

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Before the whole world knows what was creeping in, your friends always know what is it. Being them who have always set fire between two people getting committed.Shouting names of the other, singing in praises of you both complimenting each other, accuse them that they always look for the other , care about specifically you and what not. Eventually they are the ones who quench hunger in you. Initially however fussy you are, drastically you enjoy the accuses and long to be in the committed mode. After all being committed is like winning an Oscar in this age. 

Shiv, Mukunth, Shravs and Tanvi were the people who can shed their lives for friendship kinds and they were never an exception who were always laying stones for a road of life-long disaster. Startled by our sudden too much fevicol behaviour and PDA’s. Shiv casually gave a direct question to Guru , ‘Are you seeing each other?’. We know ‘ You guys always look like but still we can smell something new’. Now I was so damn eager, bloody anticipating and a bit hesitant  like a teenager who had his first porn CD in his hands . I know its a wierd comparison. But I was undergoing the mixed feelings the similar way. I didnt know where to look either Shiv or Guru. I just set my eyes on ground and everyone started pouring oil in to the fire. The crowd was so cheering until Guru laughed so contagiously.

He instantly pulled me and threw his hand on my shoulder, ‘ Joke of the year: Darling, it seems we are seeing each other; Totally stupid know these guys are; No relationships, no pain’. Guru was so reluctant he just generalized and the words just stabbed  every part of my body like a hammer.I just abruptly took my way to home faking an urgent call from dad.

‘Was confusions always destined to me?’. I cursed myself. He is right he has never proposed but that does that mean he never had interest on me. Were the intimacies we were holding meant fooling around. Blankly, I convinced that because he was not ready to confess before everyone. But ‘that everyone’ meant the whole world to him. That too Shiv was like a gay companion to him. But why did he hid it?. At some point when chaos is the only one making up your life, you will get used too and handle it in a better way. I rang Guru and was confirming the weekend plan . Since the weather has been so beautiful he suggested a spin on the bike.

We both were glued as always. Now bike rides seems to be like a weekly ritual. The nervousness,tension, hesitancy, fear, anticipations were nowhere now. Only the excitement to explore each other were heating us up. Even the usual genuine brushes were short-lived because we were now in the next level. Thats the beauty of the hormonal levels.          

When you have developed a crush:Just the glimpse of the other makes you skips a beat
When you just know each other: Talking to them even a few words make your day worthwhile
When you are in the just friends mode: Attention is what you die for          
When you are in the close friend category: Holding hands, casual touches are the ones you intentionally yearn for                                                    
When you are in love: Hugs ,cuddles , kiss and what not

So at every stage, the yearning is there to progress to the next stages.If you have are in the high levels, the earlier levels will be less appealing. On a honest basis being endorsed in hugs and cuddles, holding hands and casual touches mattered little.I did not know where to start with so I was just waiting for a situation to hog on the topic. We talked and talked. The weather was stunningly romantic with drizzles right in between Guru asked me for a hug. I was badly in my mind calculating  when this topic would pop up This time not for the romance but for clarity.I was so damn furious and irritated ready to throw tantrums the next moment which I have been holding for the past two days. 

I threatened him to stop and fired him one straight question,Okay, you dont love me, what is this Mr.Guru Prasad Kumar? .’Falling in love is totally up-to you  but are you thinking am a call girl.’ ‘Give me an answer straight away and then I will decide whether to come-along or what-next.When a girl calls you by your first second and heck your last name the intensity of anger reflects .Guru remained deaf and remained silent which made my anger to shoot multiple folds. My face turned so red and all my strength to hide my anger burst in to tears.Not able to stop creating a scene on road, I told him to just leave away wiping off my sobs.Guru spoke finally.

I am confused what you call love is.

If love what you mean is speaking the heart with you, then this is love
If love what you mean is friendship and companionship, then this is love
If love what you mean is comfortability and flexibility, then this is love
If love what you mean is hugs and kisses, then this is love
If love what you mean is making love to you, then this is love
If love what you mean is marrying each other, then this is love
If love what you mean is growing old with each other, then this is love of-course.
I dont know what you mean love is , you have different contexts.
But to me is ‘I want you to be forever‘.
That is all I know,You can use any play of relationship: Friendship or Love.I dont give a damn about it.
Because with Laxmi being attracted by her at first sight I was in a wrong notion. So love always seemed to be adulterated term.

I melted inside. Common who cannot be struck with love even after this. I felt like shouting to the whole world that this is love.But stop, that did not happen. Emoting even more powerfully.I did not know why my brain took stroll instead of my heart.

Nandita:’ Guru, not any play of relationship; this is lust in pure forms.’ Just because ‘You need me for all this, your acting so well, kudos for that’.I am not a fool to trust you again, why did you not confess to Shiv or is it a relationship under-covers?
Guru : What???? I will call him straight away. Bloody now.
Nandita: Stop that emotional scene.Just because you want to use me more and more you are confessing in front of me and I am sure you will back-stab me. You are a cheap guy sort.
Guru: ‘Cheap’.’What do you think’? If I want that, I can get a easy lay every night. And ‘you’.
Nandita: That is how it is. And I just walked away calling Tanvi from my phone to pick me up.

The touch-me-not phase was on.

11. LOVE/LUST/FRIENDSHIP

Its been a while I have blogged. Some instances I wanted to take Guru and Nandita out of my minds.But they never seem to leave me. Finally I found I am too much in love with them more than my husband, that I cannot stay away :P. Its definitely a walk down the memory lane.

FAST REWIND
Nandita on the air-travel with her two year old reminds of her love-life with Guru( Her Husband).How she meets Guru , how they fell for each other.The story unravels with Guru, Nandita meeting on their math centers, get in to the same college.Guru loves Laxmi but she is engaged. Nandita loves Ram. But suddenly a lip-lock between Guru and Nandita has changed their lifes. Nandita is almost shattered by Guru’s transition.

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The semester fever was on. All the study holidays were devoted to romancing. Though the effect of romance was twice. Its after effects were tremendous.Everyone feels complete after a kiss but I was definitely not one among them. Firstly it was not whether I loved the kiss, the location and so on but I didnt know whether I liked Guru or not ?. Then how would I have enjoyed it and treasured the moments. Loads of chaos was going within me. Sometimes it was okay, rest of the times was, what next?. There was no clarity in future. Oops a future do really existed between us?. How could it be when both of them never fell for each other at the first place.I have definitely heard arranged marriages what is this arranged love, love for kiss, lust? What heck, I stopped thinking nowadays.

There were times when I even broke the remote if there was a smooch in movies. Sometimes the whole family doubted whether I was straight.My cousin sisters tested on me showing the hot looking guys to make sure my hormones were working.All the pictures of my sensational South-Indian heart throb Vishal who decorated my bedroom walls was in the bin.The whole family were so damn concerned on me, they did not bother exams or nothing.They surely know it was not love after all breaking a remote for kiss were nowhere connected.It was on a weird way because I was proving it at right places.I used to hog on my books.I ate Microprocessors,drunk probability, breathed Computer architectures,lived on databases and slept on software engineering.I was definitely not a nerdo but to keep me far from my thinking this principle worked.Study for marks was shattered in to pieces, I studied for distraction.Lot many times aspired to be a nerdo: but being one among it,I hated it to the core.I have stopped hanging out, no phone conversations with friends, even the break between semesters were just to sleep on the couch.

I cried in nights. Depression took over me next to my textbooks.I desperately wanted life. A happening one. Will the kiss be erased out? , Will Ram be back, Can Guru and me be the same crazy friends again?. After knowing the answer, I questioned it for a thousandth time.

Five exams were down, we were left only with a probability paper.Anticipation of the last exam were all long gone. I did not want the exams to end. If it ends, no distraction. What is going to make me occupied?That feeling send shivers in me.Between this semesters itself there will be a minimum of ten calls from Guru which will be unanswered.After semesters it will be even more. How am I going to avoid him?. On the other side, Ram never called me after the last conversation. Not even a text message.I didnt know this was the usual Ram during semesters but this time it was not the same.My heart knew.Now again distraction and more distraction, it was Markov process and Markov chains, transition process and limiting distributions.

The exam went on well. It was fairly an easy paper.All I could see after the exams were happy faces except the gloomy me. Shiv, Tanvi,Naren,Nivedita were all around which obviously meant Guru was there.I was avoiding him so intentionally in these semester days but today I was right in the middle of them and my bloody mind never screened any better alternatives ( Flat tyre, dad is waiting, mom is sick, cousin’s wedding, holiday).Uff… before I could think Shiv dragged me to canteen. I looked so blank. All my answers were of objective types.I could not look at Guru. But Guru just looked only in to my eyes. It was so obvious to sense for everyone there. Suddenly Guru took his phone and spoke for a minute and told he needed to leave straight away. I sighed a breath of relief seeing him leaving.

My next mission was to call Tanvi and Shravs for a sleep-over at my place.After all girls it happens. I wanted to spit out everything. I need to breath. It was almost a month I am going through this all alone. I wanted to take a decision and end this.Before that Tanvi told, Guru is waiting near the bike park. He wanted to talk something about Mukunth and Shravs, something private.There is Nandu and Nivi here so you go, me and Shiv will join you after a while. Perhaps you didnt attend the call.

Guru waved hands from long distance.Now I was left with no blame excuses rather than meeting him.I walked straight to him with heavy steps.I did not dare to look at him. When I went near: he just told,’ I will take you,I want to talk,Please dont you make a scene. I want to sort the differences out’.I badly wanted it, but I want suggestions from Tanvi and Shravs, he did not give me time.I told him ‘Tomorrow’. He looked as if he will fall at my feet. It was so sweet that I could never oblige.Girls always love this, I was never an exception.I told ,’ Okay wait in the usual spot,I will walk over’.

Such a quick change-over. I looked at him awe-stuck. A blue coolers matching his white shirt. He has tucked it out and rolled over his sleeves. I always envy such a spontaneous transformation any-time any-place from guys: formal to semi-formal, semi-formal to casual, Waav. But girls are always shitty.Its never possible, even if we try it looks pathetic.And definitely today I looked like a maid to him. I never matched him. Oops matching is all far away, I could not even stand near such charming looks. He looked hot.Its been ages I had grooming, not even a haircut.

We never uttered a word between us. I never gripped his shoulder too for balance. I managed with the handles. He drove to some kudil(hut) restaurant for the lunch session. The place was very beautiful. Independent huts with single tables scattered everywhere.The greenery was magnificent.The tables, spoons, crockery were very authentic.There was a stream of water gushing in. It seemed very quiet and ensured loads of privacy.

We settled in.Guru sat beside me. We ordered some Naans and chicken chettinad. He talked very casually the semesters, exams and every single gossip except what we had shared. I started feeling comfortable. However it is, Guru and so it comes.We talked, laughed and fought but it was artificial. We could not deny that.We were trying to cover it up and start the old-us.

The food was awesome.The ambience, the company everything added meaning.Before we waited for the bill. Guru just came forward. We did not know what happened.But we kissed again.It was just a fraction of second. Not again, again and again.Every other time it was passion reloaded. We did not know where this led but it happened again and changed everything.We just managed a smile, paid the bill and moved away. Back in our minds, definitely we thanked for such a privacy secured ambience.

This time it was light. I never gave second thoughts about anything. He drove home. While waving a bye to him. He kissed me again on the road.We both did not mind the consequences, nothing/no one spoiled the heat within us.The day ended beautifully. Car, home, restaurant and even road. Love is blind. Nope, in our cases love is over-rated.Lust is blind, that sounds perfect on us.

It may be our age, attraction, infatuation whatever but the next dimension in life was thrilling. A different world altogether we witnessed.Initially the guilt was there, but definitely not now.I convinced I have moved on Ram.I knew how loneliness was and how much I was craving for attention. Silence became my language, tears were my identity.It was only Guru who came to me. Though I have avoided his calls every single day he was the one who have never gave up on me.

I could not deny he was the ray of hope to me.We did not know what future had in-store for us. The semester holidays were wonderful. We hanged out every single day and yeah the hugs, cuddles and kisses were the added ones. It became normal to us just like we hitting each other.To the limelights, he always kissed not me, I just responded :P. That marked the difference. We dont know whether we were lovers/friends. We did not care what relationship it was ?

It might be friendship/lust/love? We lived life every single minute but never thought about the next second. That was why our going was beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10.BEST REMEDY FOR A KISS IS TO KISS AGAIN

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Guru: I just wanted to check whether my androgens and your progestogens are working properly. And yeah they are working.
Nandita: Stop it. We kissed and your not even realizing.
Guru: Apart from jokes really I never felt it would be happening, I thought we will just laugh at it and go for a spin. Things were beyond control
Nandita: Liar, you were so bloody perfect and that’s why you bought the car.
Guru: Common this is the not the first time we are  together.
Nandita: No arguments. You sexist . Just drop me as soon as possible. Am not in a mood to talk
Guru:What me ‘Sexist’

He raised his fist against me but he pulled it down the next instant.He drove so damn rashly , we were eventually flying. We reached home and he dropped me at the street corner.We never waved ‘bye’ or exchanged a word with each other. I just could not witness what happened between us that too ‘Guru and Nandita’. It was least expected. How do things just change within a day. It was three long years we were together, we have freaked out so much but we were always on our limits.As Guru said, we had a lot of chances even better than the car ride, but why it did not happen before. Eventually I didn’t regret that we didn’t smooch earlier but what transformation was it ? I knew Guru was never the flirty types but it never seemed desperate. It just happened.

Slowly my mind drifted from Guru to Ram. What did this poor guy do? He just trusts me and leaves his girlfriend to hang around ( And yeah girl friend after all he have told he is liking me too much these days ).I just thought before thinking about ‘Guru and me’. I should probably tell him, I don’t deserve such a perfect guy like him.Let me erase both of them from my life.’Be single,stay happy’ and most important is’Be faithful or quit’.I never was loyal to him, so I deserve this loneliness in my life.

I definitely should not blame Guru also , I influenced him and bought him to this level.When I analysed slowly , I was solely responsible for the whole disaster of my life. I just made it still. I was the one who was hitting both of them at the same time. Which I should have never done in the first phase. I made it fucking complicated.I felt so ashamed of seducing Guru.I just wept the whole afternoon. Thankfully both mama and papa were out of town for a wedding and were expected late hours. My pillow went through my pain. It was soaked like anything.

As hours flew by my loud weeps became silent grins. I felt so weak. I just want to forget everything.The inner voice in me hit me so hard, I could never come back to the real world.My every part of the body pained like anything.At one point I was not able to co-ordinate my hands to wipe my tears.I was mentally dead, physically living.What kind of girl I am ?.Such a bitch. Have I not spoiled my reputation and even my family’s the way they have bought me up and how I am living it now? Cheating my friend and my boy friend.I am one of the dirtiest specimen ever?Took a sip of water from the bottle, calmed down and took a move to end it up right there.Called Ram.He never picked up. After calling him for more than ten times and few text messages
Ram: Hey, what is it so urgent?
Nandita: Yup, I want to talk about us, Okay not us,my selves
Ram: But what after my semesters are done. I am on my group studies
Nandita: Please, I want to ( breaking in to tears)
Ram: ‘Girls and their melodrama’.I cannot speak.’Call me after a week. No, I will itself call’.

Before I could speak.All I could hear is a disconnected phone’s tone.I tried calling him over and over.He switched it off. Inspite of knowing its switched off, I kept on trying again and again with the hope that he will ‘on’ it. I texted him like a zillion times. No one can text faster as a pissed off female. I am no exception. I got so irritated.Calls, texts no answer. Some times everyone needs someone. But I had no one and that’s just because of me.Frustrated, I just threw my phone right on the floor.I once again was in the process of wetting my pillow with even louder weeps.

After few minutes, I again cursed my selves and blamed it was me and I need this kind of treatment. I was in so bad shape. I was not in a position to even get up, I just crawled and reached my phone. Right after I shattered it, after placing my battery and pulling the back covers, it works.What a technological wonder it is, Nokia.Best known for its durability and now I loved it even more, no it loved me more.The only (non-)living thing in my life showing its dedication and returning its love to me. I kept on ringing him like more than a hour.

Finally the ring went, I sighed a breath of relief.
Ram: What Nandita, what is the problem?
Nandita: Ram ( I started crying)
Ram:Is it going to bother me or what?. You seem so dull. I switched it ‘on’, the next moment my phone rung.
Nandita: Yeah something sensitive.
Ram:Then just leave me Nandita, I will listen to it after my exams. You know my ambition, its a dream. I dont want to be disturbed. I am sure , I am going to give it the best shot. I have prepared so well. Hope you understand.
Nandita: Cant you even hear to what I am talking?. Could you not pacify me or give a ear. Anyways am tired of trying. Guru smooched me on my lips. I dont want to justify anything. But I feel I am ditching you, wanted to blurt it out. Anyways I have decided I dont want both of you in my life. You did not do any mistakes. I did it.Y should you take all the shit. I am sorry for being unfaithful. Lets end it up.
Ram: ( Agitated) So was it only the smooch?. Anyways I know this is going to happen . Better leave me in peace. Bye.

What kind of response was that. I needed Ram , okay it was too much expecting him after doing too much but why should he not care me?. At least talk a few words or blasted me for hours. His semesters were two days away. He has the time but still why did he do that? He never even waned to hear me when I needed most. I decided I dont want both of them but at every bit of my heart I expected Ram to atleast keep me calm. I didn’t expect any love, I least-deserved it just ‘attention’.Do I dont even deserve that too? Anyways I was imperfect how can I expect. Everything was over.
I was lying like a corpse on the bed. Only my eyes spoke in the form of tears.My world ended just before my eyes. Who am I? That too a life without Guru and Ram. I didn’t even know life existed apart from them.When leaving Ram was difficult how would it be without Guru ?. I can never picture it, it seemed far better to stop breathing after that second. But I wanted to prefer being strong.

Trrrrring Trrrrrrring I felt some sound, I checked my lovable Nokia but it was not that. Hardly I could differentiate between a calling bell and my ring tone. My life sucked and that was the results. Repeated Trrrrrrring Trrrrring. I was back to my senses.I definitely know its not mama or papa so I didn’t even bother.

Again Trrrrrrring Trrrrrring
WTF, I just got up with lots of strength peeped through the keyhole. To my surprise/shock I dont know which to prefer it was ‘Guru’. One part of me want to run in to his arms, other part of me asked , ‘are you inviting more mess’?.Now a battle greater than a world war ran in my head. Finally I decided, already am shattered, so who cares?. Least I could ask, ‘what was the purpose of the visit?’. Or atleast I can end the relationship in a decent mode.
I opened the door.( Was it doors to paradise/ hell? Confused)
Guru : Hello Nandita
Nandita: Hello Guru, What’s up?
Guru : Nothing, just like that. Will you not call in?. How long are you going to keep me at the door?
Nandita : Hey sorry, Come in
Guru:You seem to be very dull, Fever
Nandita: ( Idiot, you made go through all this) Little bit
Guru : Where is aunty?
Nandita : They are not in town, will be late
Guru: I dont know Nandita, what to speak.I tried covering up but I am running short of all formal conversations
Nandita: I second you
Guru: Did you have anything, I know your so upset.I am sure you would have not eaten anything.I ll get something and come
Nandita : No, please. If neighbours see you going in and out it will be an issue.
Guru : Shall we order pizzas?. You look starving. If you have food you will feel better
Nandita: Guru, you leave.I will take care. Your not knowing the seriousness if people sees us together. I assure you, I will eat something.
Guru: How can I leave you?. Your temperature is high, you look dead.Fights apart, I want you to be fine if I am with you or not understand? But now there is no one, so I will care you until your family turns up ( He raised his voice)
Nandita: What should I do now?
Guru: Nothing you rest for a while.

All I did was lied on the couch with blankets tucked in.I was barely blank what I was witnessing. My eyes were pleading to sleep. Indeed my eyelids were heavy to rest on my eyes. I felt so numb.Through the glass, Guru was visible. He was trying to cook. I saw him chopping onions and pulling the vessels.Everything around me was so blurring. I did not know whether it was hunger or disgusting life taking its stroll.I closed my eyes for a while.

Guru came over and tapped me within an hour.I opened my eyes.He placed a towel on me and fed me. It was some tomato mixed rice.I did not sense how it tasted or I was not sure even my taste buds worked.I just gulped it. Instantly I felt bit better. He fed me with milk also and completed the meal.I was not the best but definitely back in to life.I wanted to thank him for the care. But he was the reason for this trauma. So my ego never left me to speak.I just told him , ‘I am fine. You better leave’.

Guru asked to leave a call to mum,I called mum, she told ‘she will be in less than a hour or so’. He felt assured and reached the door yelling: ‘Call me any time, if you want something and please dont hesitate’.I replied with a nod.The next moment,I was wrapped in his arms.He laid my head on his chest and brushed my hair.He ran his fingers over my face.He bent down and planted a kiss on my forehead followed by my cheeks.He tried to near my lips. Before I could react, he told ‘Not now’ and talked. Nandu:’You take rest, have a good sleep, dont think about anything. I will see you tomorrow’.

He waved ‘bye’ and left.Not again. Where my life is heading to?. Who is Guru?, Why did he come in to my life?. What am I doing with him?. He did not even tell ‘Sorry’ or feel bad what has happened?. Is it right or wrong?. Why did I not talk/resist him?.Am I liking him?. Is he using me?.What relationship is this?.

Is it ‘friends with benefits‘ kind of? Eventually when I had this feeling pop up I felt so sick of myself. But this is what we are doing right? That was the right term however hard it was to take it.Did Guru love you?. Never. He loved only Laxmi but am I just a toy in his hands. I felt disgusting when so much thoughts battled up.

I just wanted to end up my life, but I did not have so much guts.People tell, suicide is the most weakest option ever anyone can do, but neverthless you should require courage to do it.When I went through that phase, I could realize physical pain is nothing when your emotionally exhausted so much.Few minutes you will be relieved from this polluted world.It would be better if it is polluted-me of-course. A sleep to eternity. It was really worth it. Few minutes of pain to a long term relief.

Sometimes body pain takes control of your emotional stuff and I finally dozed off. I was so exhausted that I barely never knew when I slept.

9. SHUT UP, LETS KISS FIRST AND FALL IN LOVE LATER

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It was a Sunday morning.The time was around eleven.I was as always a pampered one so no one dares to wake me up except my lovable maid who puts off the fan and switches off the air conditioner.She is too dedicated even if I tell her clean my room tomorrow, she is like five,ten minutes only. She is one who tortures me in the mornings. The same conversation and I lost to her as always.I tried to open my eyes ,Ram and Guru visualized. Reality was so hard to me. I just felt like getting lost from this damn world. My phone was buzzing in the vibration mode.I just searched my phone with half-opened eyes and found ‘Guru’ calling. I left it to ring, I was not ready to take it any more I tried to sleep again and mom barged in. She was like Guru has come. He is waiting.

Before I could sense, Guru was now on my bedroom door. Mom got really pissed off. Though she could nt show him much she asked ‘Coffee’ and took him to the living room. I was with my lousy pyjamas.I rushed to the restroom to refresh and change. Guru was teary-eyed. He was not the happy go guy I used to see him. I asked him ‘Hang-over’ yesterday night?. Whatever the situation is we both talk fluent sarcasm. He sprung ‘Do you have sense or what, my life is breaking in to pieces’. Now I was sure he was high.What?, I did nt seem concerned.

Guru broke ‘ Laxmi is getting married’.She is happy about it. I could nt hold my laughter. ‘Common,that calls a reason to celebrate’. ‘Single again’, woohoo. I don’t know I did nt feel for him but I was happy from all my heart. Guru stood up: ‘I thought you will be soothing, shit you have your guy that’s why you are not even realising how aching it is’. Before he could step out,mom served him with coffee and he drunk it like water and left as soon as possible.

I switched the tele on, I didn’t care what was going around. Watched all the boring shows. My heart drifted slowly.Guru,Guru ,Guru his name echoed in my head a million times. I messed it up.I immediately took a shower gave him a call told ‘Sorry, I was just out of bed’ that’s why ,’Lets meet up the usual venue’.Waved mom ‘Bye’. She was totally confused, more than confusion I did nt have breakfast that bothered her much.The usual sweet caring mom. They are always the best.I told I will be back soon and explain you.

Guru was waiting in the cafe shop.As the movies depicted, he looked like the same heart-broken devdas kind-of guy.The stubble,drunk eyes,black shirt,uncombed hair, flip flops and depressing caller tunes.I thought what philosophy is this’. If your eventually having a break-up , next scene you should look dashing, that matters, attitude. Anyways he is of a single girl typo. I did nt want to blast at him and I am sure he will hit me , it was not my home even. So that was obvious. I tried to do the same as a friend pacify him.Guru told, ‘Please stop that, more than she left me, your pacifying me looks so damn artificial’.I know you are not good at it.That was it, I thanked him and spoke common things.

I am the type, who can never care much.Even if my close ones are sick,least I take them to hospital but I don’t keep on asking ‘Are you okay?’ a thousand times naah not even a single time.I am not a emotional glue.I even tend to forget to check on them.Bit boyish attitude. Thats how I am, But Guru understands.We know us and it needs no explanation.

Days, weeks, months flew by. Guru was getting depressed more and more.He was always mourning and I was so bored of him.I wanted the interesting chap back in my life, I was waiting for his comeback. We spent lot of time together, a lot more he was in need of it. I did not comfort him nor hurt him.But I was always around.That mattered.Sometimes he was spontaneous,sometimes he was lonely.Difficult to balance him indeed.

Even if Ram keeps me in a conversation longer he throws fire on me.He always wanted me, I know it was too much but this is Guru and I always loved the attachment.Guru realizes he shouldn’t but he couldn’t. Sometimes though I should not differentiate my heart always does.Ram wants me when he is in a relaxed free mode but for Guru its always me. Still now I never knew who I should love or who I should be friendly?.Its already fixed and I was not ready to go against it.

It was mid of June, Ram was on the phone. It was his study holidays, it was not the usual him.I was happy but he made me feel small instantly saying he badly wanted a break between his tedious study sessions and that was the reason behind his call.He is a nerd so whenever its his semester,interns, seminars, study holidays I will not exist to him. He says its distracting.Whatever it is it will be after his semester holidays only. That is the time space for you to speak.It was one strong reason why I did not connect well with him.

This time he was sounding bit flirtatious. Even after the insult, I felt okay.He spontaneously told, ‘I think I am liking you now too much these days’.Waah, That was it. I was happy, I didn’t utter a word after it.Though he didn’t propose me, ‘just liking’ it felt nice that too after three years. He told, ‘Take care, I will call you after my semesters are done’ and disconnected.

I was indeed happy but not joyous and over delighted.I could just get the feeling as if the semesters were postponed.Nothing much.I thought might be I did nt share with my close friends that’s why I was so dumb. I screened whom to call, with no doubts it was ‘Guru’.Guru was as always with his friends circle.He picked over and I tried to show my ecstasy. Ram told ‘He likes me’.Guru was happy as well.He told ‘So when are you going to treat me?, life is settled’.

Now I felt really good slipped :’waah treat, sure I feel like hugging you, I am bloody soo excited. I dont know what to do too’.
Guru was crazy always: ‘Only hug’
I told ‘I will kiss you even, am high
Sometimes words don’t take control,I felt the same. This was a better instance.I just told him, ‘Stop kidding’.I will tell Shravs and Tanvi and disconnected.

I felt bad how Guru will take it. I know he understands me even better than myselves, but still.I received a text message from Guru
Guru : When and Where will I have my kiss?:p
I just loved it that instant. Now I was confused whether it was the ‘kiss’ or ‘I like you’ which made me high and joyous.

Guru was so obsessed with the ‘hug and kiss’ stuff . He was pondering over it too much. I just left him a text, ‘tomorrow we will meet up’ and wrapped the conversation. I know Guru well, he was pulling my legs so I didn’t think much. Next day in the college Guru was looking at me too much. It was like his eyes were glued on my face. I loved it anyways. It was a different feel not shyness too but something beyond words.

He came in the lunch break and declared,’lets bunk’. I will take you for a spin.Before I could think he was already packing his stuffs and told ‘Lets leave’. I just followed him like a dog following his master. After few minutes, we were on the car.He told, ‘Don’t worry, its one of my friend’s.’

We didn’t speak much.He drove somewhere to nowhere. It was a country side. I even doubted whether there was human existence.He suddenly stopped, the place was haunted.He closed the windows of the cars which was the tinted ones. I can sense what was going around but still clueless. He looked deep in to my eyes, I did the same.He clutched my hand tighter.He moved on me.I could feel his breath.I did nt dare to move.My heart pounced faster. He was just centimetres away from my lips.It was so romantic.He slowly brushed his lips on mine and I reciprocated.It was sensual and passionate. He kissed me deeper and deeper and we were so lost in the kiss. He hugged me tightly and never let me move.I was his and he was mine. We owned each other in the kiss. The more he looked in to my eyes, more intimacy lingered.He kissed my cheeks , eyes and all over my face. Our lips were already wet now my face was even more. It was so lusty he was confused where to kiss still he made sure he brushed my lips in periods.He slowly bent down and kissed my neck.

That was it. I was back in my senses. I didn’t want to end up making out in car. I moved him aside but still he held me tighter. I was totally in clutches of him. Then I just pushed him off with all my possible strength.It was not even a make out session but still the way he messed me up was too much.My clothes, my kajal , my gloss was all out of pace.I just got outside the car.I wanted some space to breath.

Guru came out and handed me a bottle of water and a tissue. He sounded perfectly normal as if nothing had happened and we were taking a break from a study session. That pissed me off totally.I had tears in my eyes.I just felt like hitting him and moving away but I didn’t have any option rather than to reach home with him. I didn’t know any whereabouts of this place. So I decided it was not smart to make a fuss with him.We got in to the car, he pulled the windows down after all the deed is done.
Guru : Are you okay?
Nandita:’Was it all planned’?.

 

8. FALLING IN AND OUT

1186050_667516846594517_1840363258_nSometimes the heart yearns.I know he was trying to impress me, but what wrong,he is making an effort.I loved that. There we were just two of us in the train. Since it was a local train, it was not a posh crowd. A mixed one. Everyone were mocking at us especially the oldies. I was as always supposed to be nervous, pull my head down and die a little inside. But I was not.I didn’t care I was mesmerized with Guru as if he hypnotised me with some magic spell.

The engine sound,the nature types that too moving backwards, the bogies and the little boys selling stuffs. It was thrilling. We stood near the bogie end and Guru made me to have even a wider view. It was bit difficult to manage a seat. Yet we had a window seat fortunately. People squeezed us which drew us a lot more closer.He held my hands and was trying to make me feel protective and comfortable.Lot of commotions were going around. Guru asked me ‘ Are you okay’. Yeah my heart popped out to tell, I was awesome. but I just gave him a nod and a smile.We didn’t speak more than a word after that. I loved the train travel. It was new to me not only the train travel , EVERYTHING.It was happening.I rested my head on his shoulder. I didn’t dare to look at him.He never moved which made me feel secure. Some moments make you feel, this is life and you were waiting all your life anticipating for this moment. I was living it all now.

Half an hour passed by. He just brushed my hair aside. I pretended to sleep. I didn’t want to miss the coziness. But I was anxious to look ‘Was he looking in to me’?. Not able to have a balance I slightly opened my eyes. And caught Guru looking in to me. We both knew what was it, but managed to be formal and started talking. The usual stuffs: friends and people around. Mind it,we both never slipped about Ram and Laxmi. Might be intentional or not. We just didn’t want to.

Our destination was two hours. But after an hour itself, Guru told we will get down at the next station and take a bus to home so that there will be no timing issues and we will avoid the panic. We both were on the next station platform. Standing with no clue what next. I told the scene was more like the eloped lovers. He smiled and replied. ‘It could have been, but its not, it might be’. Now stop,I forgot English literally. What did he sense or was I over imagining things?. Or is it the same crazy crap we laugh at.

Before I could analyse , he found a restaurant. We had a brunch. He told the food was okay okay types. Honestly I didn’t know whether it was sweet,spicy or salty. My heads was echoing, ‘It might be’.I was deeply engrossed in it.Guru seeing me so blank asked ‘Are you worried, you will be at home within an two hours’.I was not even bothered about it. Least I could convince is by faking an ‘yes’.

We walked holding hands instead of the usual hitting each other stuff. It felt nice.Had a short walk around the town and traced the bus stop. We took a bus back to Coimby. It was with the super esteemed DVD player television. The sound was jarring. It was an old tollywood flick. We had seats at he back door. The breeze was soothing.

Guru was so much interested in the flick and was in all praises for the celebrity.Back I was so irritated.What the hell,’Is he not realising the lovely movie that is screening just before his eyes’. I would tell, guys are stupid that too on a serious mode. That’s what I felt.I was in no mood to watch it. I looked at the window and was rewinding the beautiful day we witnessed.

After few minutes, Guru gave me the water bottle and asked whether I was thirsty. He then was bit shy and gave me a offer to rest my head on his shoulder if I feel sleepy.Now I felt,okay he is not that stupid, yet still I had my vengeance.I wanted to tell ‘No’. But I was definitely in my senses. thought for a while:’ Is this the time to have this all?. And I smiled and told I will. I didn’t want to make him look ‘I was dying for it’ .After a while,I did.

Some moments are priceless. You don’t need a beautiful resort, or to stand at a world wonder,or a jaguar or a posh home to live your life. All you need is a local bus, people mocking,babies screaming,a privileged DVD player television, a window seat with the super unclean handles which you don’t even dare to touch, an average guy’s shoulder naah now he is definitely the most handsome chap with lots of love and care. Yeah,those moments define you. It makes you identify what is essential in your life.

We reached Coimbatore earlier to a hour before our classes could end. I was in no heart to leave Guru either him.He immediately told we will hit the cafe shop.We were in, ordering cappuccino’s and sandwiches.I never felt Guru observed so much.He told remember whenever you and me are happy say the bike ride and today the train too. We are in the same clothes me in blue and white checked shirt and you the purple salwar. Call it coincidence or what.He touched my palm.

I didn’t know how to respond. I of course liked it but wanted to make the situation light. So just spiced it up telling, You are such a blue fanatic and you have all your shirts in blue or at least a check or a stripes are on the same shade.Cut the coincidence crap. But he was in too much intimacy. He didn’t bother to take his hand from me and convinced me telling. Blue is fine, but why should it be the same shirt. That was it:I thought it would be better to leave and told ‘make it soon, am running late to home’.

I reached home had a small chat with mama. Finding my usual place on the balcony with coffee, the memories hit. Before I could dream about it a little longer. My cellphone rung with a romantic tone ‘Ram calling’.I wanted to cut the call but now my dreams were nowhere I was confused. ‘Was I ditching Ram’, ‘Am I loyal to him’, ‘What is happening?’, ‘Which is meant-to-be’, ‘Am I a bitch?’

A heck of questions battled with me. Finally I thought I have to take a decision right there. Called Ram.I told him regarding our train journey not the different feel I had on him, I didn’t have guts for it .I knew he is going to blast me straight away. But he was so positive. He told just because of the distance we are apart.

That made me so guilty.I was thinking whether it was distance. But I felt it was the impact which people leaves us. Did Ram leave an impact?.I don’t know.He is falling for me now I am falling out of him.I thought I should not do this, let me stop this I am betraying him. I now hated why Guru should do all this and loved Ram for his positivity. Morning it was a contrast story. I was in chaos .I wanted to cry for help. I cursed my life and was shattered.

Guru kept on ringing me. I didn’t bother to pick the call. Yeah now I should hate him and that was how I showed the results.He was calling me for the forty second time.I put my ringer to silent.I badly wanted a good sleep.

7. CONFUSED

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We both never could differentiate love, attraction and friendship. May be due to the reason that Ram and Laxmi started reciprocating their feelings slowly. They didn’t still propose but showed the beginning positive signs of a relationship. But now we didn’t feel for them the same way. The attraction was there but the effect was fading off. The highlights were things started to fall in pace for both of us at the same time eventually which was least expected. The same relationship confusion prevailed, we did not know whom to prioritise. Love or friend (a complicated one now)?

Possessiveness started to creep for Laxmi since Guru was always either around or hanging with me. She fought with him and Guru was in total mess. He was not able to either avoid me or go by her. Though I wanted him to let go for his ‘love’, my heart yearned and even his. It was mutual on either side. On the other hand Ram started calling me often, he was in town and yeah we hanged out quite a few times. He was a bit flirty this time. I was clearly able to differentiate. I was supposed to reciprocate; after all I was dying for it for two years.  I tried too but all I can do was to smile and change the topic to commonalities. He offered me even a spin and I don’t know why I even rejected the offer. Before my mind processed my lips avoided instantly.

We were supposed to be close in love, but we didn’t. We were supposed to be distant from friendship, but we didn’t. We never showed each other. We showed off each other that Ram and Laxmi both were falling for us now, but it was not from our hearts. Every relationship was demanding. Girls always have a set of rules in which the guy should follow it for them to prove that they loved them. Laxmi was the perfect girlie types and rules were fired on Guru. He was not supposed to talk to girls, nor come late to home, hang out even with his friends the boys too; he should always speak with her and the same same boring list which went on and on. Guru was helpless. It was ‘love’ and he obviously tried to satisfy her.

Ram was also upset on me. Whenever he is up in the phone, when I utter ‘Guru’s name, he deviates ‘let’s talk about us’. Obviously when he asks me ‘how was the day’? Guru is filled in it, what can I bluff? It tested my patience so much. I tried to keep me down as I was not ready to fight with him. It was not Guru to handle me or remain silent and will never let me go whatever it is. I hit my head and told ‘This is Ram’. So I was to control whatever it is. Ram added fuel to the fire ‘Do you like Guru or me’. It was getting too much. Days went harder.

We were not the happy; take it easy typo friends anymore. We were corned by our relationship problems. We started blasting between us not directly to Ram and Laxmi; we don’t have guts to leave our ‘love’ down. We were good actors in our relationship. But in friendship only we were the ‘real-us’.  We yelled ‘Ram and Laxmi: these guys never even bothered when we were heart-broke, showed their disgusting attitude, and treated us like shit’. But suddenly they enter our lives and they want us to change for them and even die at their feet’. They will ask us to ditch the ‘friendship’ and die for ‘love’. The highlight is still they both didn’t even propose us still yet they were so demanding.

When we analysed through brains we felt, Ram and Laxmi were also right according to their perspectives. We could not deny that. They are the perfects but the expectations what they wanted to meet was off high standards. They are the exact love materials. We both can’t even afford to stand near to it however we try to. We never could tell, ‘They didn’t match us ‘. Brutally it’s a sin. It will be better saying’ we didn’t match them or never could’.

We were the most insane ones. That’s why we never had a problem between us. Our relationship was entirely different. Now it was still more complicated that too after the bike ride. We were in oscillation. We liked each other but we don’t know whether its ‘friendship’. We believe it’s ‘friendship’. We don’t want to name it love and spoil the divine feeling. That too since we have named Ram and Laxmi’s relationship with us as love, we felt it was filthy. Friendship was a purer form.

Whenever a conversation strikes about them, we start comparing Ram and Laxmi to us. Guru was telling ‘How nice if Laxmi has the same characteristics like you’ and I felt the same between ‘Ram and Guru’. In a relationship once when you have started comparing with all your heart with others. It means obviously you have already fallen for them. But still we were clueless.

One thing which was soothing is that, though we were restricted from hanging out by our respective lovers. Yeah of course we were loyal to them. We did not do that. But college was the only place we were at peace. The workload squeezed us close even more. It was time for our semesters. Study holidays had already begun, model exams followed. Group studies were on. Shiv, Tanvi, Shravs and Mukunth joined. The two jelled with the other two well and we were now six. We had subjects in common. Information Technology and Computer Science have quite similar papers. So study time was fun that too minus our lovers-the added advantage. No restrictions because it was semesters. Now Guru and I even loved semesters for that. Crazy right: I will tell you, fall in love you will know the sequences. That too with the serious type nerds, you will understand the difference when you are tested every day without a break. You will start urging for independent space.

Guru started looking too manly in the recent days. I loved his shirts, his eye brows, his dusky shades, his silky hair, his smile and everything about him. This never happened in the first instant. He was a normal typo guy but now something is special. As a person I loved everything about him totally. His attitude, his decisions, and his valid arguments everything drew me closer. Sometimes whatever is loved by your heart, your eyes portrays it even more beautifully. It just happens.

Two and a half years back, I use to tell him ‘Wacky, what colour shirt man, disgusting dressing sense’. But now I felt like telling him ‘You look good’. I was not able to tell him daily though, that seemed odd. Back in the earlier days, I used to tell him, but it was very rarely that too in a sarcastic way. I felt so obsessed that Guru was good looking when compared to Ram. Argh not Ram too, even better than my favourite celebrities. I was blind folded with Guru. Addiction was beyond stages.

I don’t know whether Guru felt the same way. But sometimes the way you look in to each other is different. I observed those signs. He was looking liking me often while in a group even when I didn’t contribute to the conversation. He looked Tanvi and Shravs in a very casual way just like Shiv and Mukunth. But whenever it was me, it was bit deeper. Might be I was looking him in the same yearning way or I don’t know whether I assumed things. Oh no, now I started to fall for his eyes too. It was electrifying.  Sometimes it may be cinematic but after all real life is inspired from movies. So what!!

That was the end of models. The final one was ‘Data structures’. As a college-goer you don’t mind the model exam stuff. So it was like a time pass to fill in the paper since attendance was compulsory. After all you have the study holidays to clear the semesters. Evening we had the six of us to hit the coffee shop. To stretch out a bit and start hunting for books. All you need is a whole night, local author book and an intelligent head to explain the logics and yeah you can clear engineering. We had nerds like Tanvi and Mukunth around so exams did not bother much.

It was a busy evening in Café Day. We had a good chit-chat and managed to get a corner seat, a view from the first floor. It was raining like cats and dogs. The leaves were dripping, it frost the glasses. It made the lovers romantic who were sitting next to us. They were blushing often and were getting cosy. As we were all a gang, the only way to have fun was to look and irritate them. Finally they insulted us by not even having a turn-around. Best insult ever. They were so much endorsed in to their own worlds.  We started talking about us, same conversations: affairs, family tantrums and boozing. It was usual. The topic just flew from childhood days, schools, how we became friends and there it was ‘The little crazy undefined desires’.

Tanvi was like ‘I want a church wedding, the bridal dresses’. It alarmed Shiv, being a Hindu. But he didn’t show. Mukunth wanted to ‘kiss his tenth standard teacher’. Shravs wanted to bang her ‘maternal uncle’s son’ childhood vengeance it seems. It was Guru’s turn; he wanted to be the only guest with thousand guitarists playing only for him’. Next was mine, I immediately sprung telling ‘I want to go in train, I have never been’. All my relatives are in Coimbatore. I did not have a chance. Everyone instantly broke in to laughter.

Coimbatore is an industrial hub. It’s not a metropolitan one. So local metros never existed. It was a posh, highly civilized town. So it was not a crime that why I haven’t travelled in train? But we all had a good laugh especially mocking at my little crazy desire. It was not unattainable but I didn’t have chances. The next two weeks were study holidays.  We slept, ate everything in home, mocked at the books, talk with neighbours watched all the stupid flicks on television even the boring cooking shows and the hyper mode is cleaning your room. The least interesting ones too interest you, the power of study holidays.

Already we both were the lethargic ones, study holidays was a boost to us. Guru rang me and told the next day, we have some mechanics class. He asked me to meet before starting to college in a nearby stadium. I reached there next day; he waved hands and handed me over two train tickets which were for a nearby town. The travel was two hours. He told lets reach station immediately, and then only you can reach home by six after taking a bus from there. The best surprise ever!!!